Non-Monogamy Resources

Activity 1: Create your non-monogamy vision

Whenever you step out of our comfort zone, it helps to have a clear vision of your purpose. This activity will help you and your partner(s) start a dialogue about non-monogamy as well as create a vision together that will motivate you and serve as your compass.

Step 1) Take out one sheet of paper per person. Working separately, write a series of short sentences in the present tense that describe your own personal vision of satisfying non-monogamy in your relationship. Write down your “non-negotiables” as well as your desires. For example:

“We encourage each other to explore.”

"We enjoy watching each other receive pleasure."

“We are each other's top priority.”

"We check in and notice how the other person is feeling when having sex with others."

"We are willing to lean into our jealousy."

"We have an exciting sex life together, and non-monogamy is the icing on the cake."

“We're loving with each other when we make mistakes."

Phrase all of your sentences as positive statements instead of saying what not to do. For example, say “We use apps mindfully” instead of “We don't use apps during our quality time together.”  This exercise is not about creating a laundry list of problems you want to avoid. Rather, it's an opportunity to envision your relationship's potential.

When forming your Non-Monogamy Vision, don't forget to include sentences describing your ideal one-on-one sexual relationship.

Step 2) Get together and share your completed sentences with your partner(s). Work together to create a mutually-agreed-upon Non-Monogamy Vision. Start with the items you both agree are important. If you have items that are a source of conflict, see if you can come up with a compromise statement that satisfies everyone. If not, leave the item off your combined list.

Step 3) Read your Non-Monogamy Vision together once a week for now. Check if you are on target - this will help you make daily choices that will turn your vision into a reality. Update and refine your Non-Monogamy Vision as needed.

Activity 2: Make agreements

When navigating non-monogamy, it helps to make agreements with each other so that everyone can get their needs met and feel cared for. Watching your partner(s) honor their agreements over time is also a great way to build trust and reduce jealousy. It’s important to write your agreements down because memories can change over time. This exercise is designed to help you create agreements that work for you.

Step 1) Working separately, create a list of requests from your partner(s) to help you feel safe and loved while navigating non-monogamy. Write down your non-negotiables as well as your "nice-to-have's." Take your time with this over several days. Negative requests about what not to do can be helpful. For example, "'Please agree not to have sex with our friends unless we talk about it first." However, positive requests are often even more helpful. A positive request is an action your partner can do to help you feel loved and secure. For example, "Please agree to take me on a date the night after having sex with someone else," or "Please agree to FaceTime me goodnight every night we’re apart.”

Step 2) When you're finished with your individual requests, get together and share them with your partner(s). If you agree to your partner’s requests, write them down on your personal agreement list. If you don’t agree to a request, see if you can come up with a compromise agreement that satisfies everyone. If you can’t come up with a compromise, leave it off your agreements list. It’s ok to add requests as you go. You might find your partner(s) thought of something you didn’t. If you'd like, you can save this step for us to do together in a therapy session.

It's totally ok for partners to make different requests and have different agreement lists. For example, maybe one partner wants to know when sex happens outside the relationship but another doesn’t. Your agreement list will probably change over time as you learn from your mistakes and become more resilient to jealousy.