As we gaze into the night sky, our imagination creates patterns of meaning out of the trillions of individual stars. We call these patterns, “constellations.” Our sexuality also has constellations. Each individual thought, image, behavior, sound, smell, sight, fantasy, and object that arouses us sexually is like a star in our erotic sky (Carnes, 2008). Some of these stars shine brightly in our awareness, like having a particular physical “type” or gravitating towards a specific kink. Other stars might register unconsciously, like a person’s pheromones or the way they carry themselves. Some stars might be hard to detect because their light is blocked by pollution, like men who discover they enjoy prostate play once they become more comfortable in their masculinity. Erotic constellations are the patterns of meaning that form when we behold all the stars in our sexual universe. Just like dreams, our erotic constellations hold wisdom about our deepest needs, fears, and yearnings. Understanding our erotic constellations is an important part of our sexual healing.

The following is an example of an Erotic Constellation:

Jonathan was the middle child in a family raised by a single mother. He rarely got time alone with Mom. He craved attention, but when Mom wasn’t putting in overtime at work, she was taking care of the household and dividing her attention among the three children. Jonathan learned he was invisible to the person he needed the most. He learned that love and attention aren’t freely given and can’t be asked for. He learned instead that love and attention must be “stolen.” In college, Jonathan discovered an erotic rush as he walked half-naked to and from the showers of his co-ed dorm. One day, he let his towel slip as he passed a group gathered in the hall. He felt deeply aroused by the look of shock on everyone’s faces. Over the years, Jonathan’s behavior escalated. He began regularly masturbating next to his open window, hoping to be caught by someone passing by. In therapy, Jonathan was able to explore his erotic constellations and better understand his yearning to be noticed, acknowledged, and ultimately loved. Jonathan is now better able to ask for love and attention directly. He also found fun, sexy ways to enjoy exhibitionism without intruding on others without their consent.

In your journal, write down all the thoughts, images, behaviors, sounds, smells, sights, fantasies, and objects that arouse you. See what patterns emerge in your erotic constellations.