Managing Emotional Distress
Whenever we’re overwhelmed with intense emotions like stress, fear, shame, anger, guilt, or sorrow, our brain pumps stress hormones into our nervous system, triggering a state called “fight-or-flight.” This state activates primitive survival mechanisms in our brain and body designed to help us survive life-or-death situations such as escaping a predator or fighting an enemy. In fight-or-flight, we feel an immediate sense of danger. Our heart rate and blood pressure increase, sending more fuel to our muscles to help us react. Our breathing becomes more rapid, sending extra oxygen to our brain to sharpen our senses. The regions of our brain responsible for logic and planning go offline so we can respond impulsively and immediately to threats.
While fight-or-flight is useful for ancient problems like running from a tiger, this programming is outdated for modern issues like conflicts with a loved one, health anxiety, and work-related stress. The very tools we need to solve these problems—logic, grace, compassion, and patience—are compromised when we are in a state of fight-or-flight.
Therefore, when you’re experiencing emotional distress, the most important thing to focus on is not the problem that’s overwhelming you (unless you’re in immediate danger like a fire or physical attack). Your top priority is calming your nervous system out of its fight-or-flight state. This not only helps restore your ability to think clearly and respond with grace, compassion, and patience, but also makes the distressing emotions easier to tolerate and less painful.
The following tools will help you soothe your nervous system and manage your emotional distress more effectively.
Wise Mindset
When you’re in distress, your nervous system is overwhelmed with a wave of energy. Trying to force yourself to feel better just adds more stress to an already overloaded system. To simplify things, adopt a mindset focused on two key actions:
Don’t make the situation worse. Avoid actions that can escalate the problem or cause regret. This includes lashing out at others, breaking things, quitting your job impulsively, relapsing, hurting yourself or someone else, or saying or doing something you’ll regret later.
Use tools when you can. Employ calming techniques and strategies that help soothe your nervous system and manage your emotions.
That’s it. By consistently using these tools and avoiding actions that could worsen the situation, the wave of distress will eventually pass.
Tools
Take a REST
REST is a tool you can use whenever you're feeling emotionally overwhelmed. It's also a foundational tool that can serve as step 1 for your other tools and help break the habit of spiraling thoughts. Here's how it works:
Relax: Stop what you're doing, pause, and take a breath. Create a moment of space for yourself. It even helps to say "pause" or "relax" out loud or in your head.
Evaluate: Next, verbalize out loud or in your head what's happening right now. Stick to the facts, not judgments or opinions that could just add fuel to the fire. You don't have to figure everything out or do an in-depth analysis, just get a general sense of the facts so that your logical brain can balance out your emotional brain. For example, what's happening for you physically, emotionally, and mentally? What are the people around you doing? It helps to also acknowledge whether anyone is actually in danger right now. It also helps to talk in the second person ("you") instead of the first person ("I"), because it activates your inner observer. For example, you could say, "You're sitting on your couch. You're feeling panic. Your thoughts are spiraling. You feel a throbbing sensation in your head, and right now, everyone is safe."
Set an intention: Next, set an intention to do something that can help you. You can take 5 slow breaths, ask for help, go outside for a walk around the block, set a boundary, call a friend, run your hands under cold water, do some stretching, journal your feelings, or any other tool in your toolbox. Your intention should be something you can do right now, even if it's small, instead of something in the future.
Take action: Finally, put your plan into motion. Do it mindfully, which means to proceed with an awareness of what you're doing instead of just rushing through.
After you take action, you might need to take another REST and start from the beginning. That's totally normal!
Activate the Dive Response
You can activate your mammalian "diving response" to calm down your nervous system when you're feeling overwhelmed. It tricks the body into thinking we're diving underwater, which causes a quick drop in blood pressure to help us conserve oxygen. Here's how it works:
Take two cold ice packs (be sure to wrap them in a dish towel so that the ice doesn't directly touch your skin) and place them over your eyes and cheeks. Then lay on the ground so you can feel the support of the earth underneath you (feel free to put a pillow under your head so you can be comfortable). Then practice holding your breath for up to 20 seconds followed by a few moments breathing normally. You can go through a few cycles of holding your breath and breathing normally, but don't make yourself tense by holding your breath for so long that it becomes uncomfortable. You can repeat this for as long as you like (I set my timer for 10 minutes and play soothing music). Because this exercise will cause your blood pressure to quickly drop, be sure to consult with your doctor if you have any heart or blood pressure issues.
Paced Breathing Exercises
You can use your breath to directly regulate your nervous system. One method is to breathe in through your nose and then have a long, slow exhale through your pursed lips as though you were breathing through a straw or trying to make a candle flame flicker without blowing it out.
Click here for some GIFs that you can save to your phone to help you with paced breathing.
Externalizing the Spiraling Thoughts
If your distress is taking the form of spiraling thoughts, it can help to externalize them. This activates the observer region of the brain that helps calm down your nervous system. To externalize your thoughts, you can write them down in a stream of consciousness, speak them out loud in a funny voice, or speak them out loud slowed waaaaaaaaaaaay dooooooown to an almost comically slow speed.
Accupressure Mats
Accupressure mats help you focus your awareness on your back body and release endorphins that both energize and relax you. Click here for some options. Talk to a doctor if you have any skin conditions. I like having the pillow as well as the mat because it gets your shoulders and neck. There's a wide range of prices, and I recommend avoiding the expensive ones because it's all the same plastic. The mat may feel uncomfortable for the first few minutes as your body adjusts and starts to relax. If the initial discomfort is too intense, you can wear a thin t-shirt to help build up your tolerance.
Thought Reframing
Our overwhelming feelings are usually fueled by inaccurate thoughts or beliefs. To help balance your thinking, take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side, write down the distressful thought or belief. On the right side, write a more accurate and kind thought/belief. It helps to write it out physically and keep it in your pocket to go back to if you need it. Here are some general examples. Yours may be more specific:
I'm a bad person ------ I did something I regret
My partner hates me ------ My partner is angry right now
I'll never be good enough ----- I'm setting high expectations of myself and doing my best
I'm scared of something terrible happening ------- I may not know what the future holds, but I'll be in the best position to solve any problems if I'm connected to my highest self
Circle of Control
This exercise helps when you're worrying or catastrophizing. Get out a piece of paper and a writing instrument. Draw a circle in the middle of the paper. Outside the circle, write down everything that's outside of your control. For example, what others say, do, and think; things you have to do; past mistakes; things that have happened in the past. Inside the circle, write down everything that's in your control. For example, your behaviors, goals, and efforts; learning from your mistakes; taking care of yourself; asking for help; who you choose as your friends.
High-Intensity Interval Training
When we're feeling stressed, our body is primed for action. Releasing that energy can greatly help us manage the emotion. Pick something to do for 5-20 minutes to tire yourself out, like jumping jacks, dancing to music, sprinting up and down the block, or following an exercise video. When you're finished, lay on the floor with a pillow under your head for support. Take some time to feel the solidness of the floor supporting you and to savor your body relaxing after the release of energy. Be sure to talk with your doctor if you have any injuries or heart/blood pressure problems.